Thoughts after bedtime

Adoption is not for the faint of heart - its work, physical and mental.  To begin with, the entire adoption process is long and full of ups and downs.  For those of you who followed my original blog, you know that there were weeks where I couldn't stand to be in the same room with the phone for its lack of ringing.  The wait was worth it.  And sometimes, all that time that took so long now seems so short.

But when I say its work, I mean after its finalized too.  In our case, we completely changed our lives overnight.  Going from a 2 adult household to 5 required a lot of adjusting - sure physically, but more so mentally.  Everything changes.  The focus of your future plans change.  You learn what an IEP and ESE with intervention means.  You discover that ADHD affects everything from homework to sleep patterns.  Red dye is banned from the household.  Laundry.....well I won't go there.  I remember my first weeks being so exhausted I could barely crawl into bed.

Tonight, BudD had a bad night - just cranky and mean spirited.  We are still trying to teach him that hands are for loving, not hitting and a mouth is for kisses, not biting - he hasn't quite gotten that down yet.  When he gets mad he does everything he has seen all his life.  Tonight he even flipped a bird!  7 I remind you!  So we did time out - 5 minutes is all he really tolerates well and then we talked about why he had a bad day and how its ok to say, "mommy, I am having a bad day" instead of targeting his brothers or other weaker target.  He is physically strong....honestly, probably stronger than the other 2 combined.  One of the therapists said he was so strong from years of tensing his muscles during tantrums.  So daily we work to break these habits - and I am not going to kid anyone.....its work.  But I sat down today and realized, that despite the flu I am getting over, I am not tired like I first was.  Its like my "mommy mental muscles" have toughed up and I have become stronger too.  To me, that is a miracle - how did I get stronger without knowing it?

Anyways, after our talk I just held him and told him how loved he was, even when he had bad days.  How I know God has great plans for him and he is smart.  That even though he is struggling to learn to read, we are so proud of how he is doing.  And he just melted - but I wonder....what does he think in his little head - does he believe me?  Or is he waiting for the other shoe to drop?  When it was time to go to bed he asked me to carry him there - umm yeah, mommy's back has gotten stronger too.....and then he turned back from where he was laying and blew me a kiss and said "I love you mommy."  How did I get so blessed to witness this miracle in this child?  This child who wouldn't look us in the eyes and jumped of furniture when he first tantrumed?  This child who so many overlooked and called "bad" - how could they miss the sweet child just waiting to be discovered?

Its work - work to see past the paperwork and diagnosis and acting out - to find that tiny spark.